Mom Guilt

Mom guilt is a terrible thing.

I know I had mom guilt before Ocean's pancreas fucking betrayed him but now it is out of control. Before, my mom guilt was a bit simpiler. Oops I had a caffeinated beverage and then breastfed you. Mom guilt. I licked all the frosting off of a whole cake and then breastfed you basically pure sugar. Mom guilt. How did I not have a premonition about you stepping off the bed and cracking your check bone against the dresser. Mom guilt. I can't believe I am dumb enough to own a dresser. Mom guilt. But now. Holy cow! It's like when the doctor said i think your son has diabetes, this massive volcano of Mom Guilt erupted from my heart, bubbled out over my body and left burns all over soul. Burns that ache and itch. Burns that never quite heal because right when they start to scab over I rip that wound right open.

Diabetes guilt adds a whole new level of crazy to the mom guilt. Right off the bat, I obviously must have done something to trigger the auto-immune response in Ocean's body. Diabetes Mom Guilt. I knew something was wrong but didn't trust my instincts so he went into severe diabetic ketoscidosis and suffered through unnecessary trama to get him stable. Diabetes Mom Guilt. My sweet boy runs from me when he seems me pull the insulin for the 6th time of the day. Diabetes Mom guilt. I gave him too much insulin and he almost went unconscious from being low, I didn't pay close enough attention to what he was eating and didn't give him enough insulin. Now he is so high that his lips are chapped and he is frantically thirsty.  Diabetes Mom Guilt. I didn't get enough blood the first time I poked him and now I have to make him bleed again. Diabetes Mom Guilt. He is refusing most foods because it is the only thing he can control these days but if I don't make him eat he will have ketones and that's bad. Ya know, besides the fact that he is a growing boy and needs to eat. Diabetes Mom Guilt.

And then today. The only thing I could get him to eat all day is chocolate kisses. Like for every meal. So then I tried to force him to eat his vitamins. He inhaled it...choked...couldn't breathe...I layed him over my knees and banged on his back over and over until that stupid purple vitamin came out on the floor. Actually I didn't even notice that the vitamin had came out and continued to bang on his back until he started crying. And then I started crying. Mom guilt. Diabetes mom guilt. It's all a bitch.