1:05am thoughts on perfectionism

I’ve been trying to figure out why I am instantly defensive when Scott asks me about Ocean‘s blood. I have to force myself to push down the rise of anxiety that makes me want to snap “I got it.” It’s been three years and I’ve noticed some patterns and definitely don’t know much but I think it might have something to do with the some deeply ingrained perfectionism - although I truly hate to admit that. In fact, I always prided myself for being ok with not being perfect. Ha! What a joke? When I am in control of Ocean’s blood, I  can choose what I put into the phone and what is recorded down permanently in our records. Once I tell Scott where oceans blood sugar is at and   how many times I’ve checked him and what he’s eaten and  how many carbs I think he’s had and how many carbs he probably had and if he has a bit of a cold or has had how much exercise.......all the details that go into his diabetes - I can no longer create that perfect range and flat line.  I want to present the best possible picture of a scenario – I want to pick and choose what the situation so looks like I can feel like a perfect parent. Hummm....gonna need to work on that.