Delayed depression

I haven't written in a while. Usually the way I write is pretty random. Basically something will keep running through my head until i write it down. But the last couple of months my head has been blank. No huge joy, means no huge sadness in my chest right? Right for a while. But eventually bit by bit the shield I distinctly remember putting up around my heart while in the meditation center of the hospital, eventually that starts to rust.  Eventually that shield starts to deteriorate. Eventually that shield has a big crack down the center beginning to expose your fragile heart. And one day out of nowhere  comes waves of sadness many many times throughout the day and you realize that the shield is gone. What will protect me now?

It's time. It's time to open my heart and let my husband and family help me through this life. I did it on my own, quite unhappily for 16 months and all that's left inside me is tears and anger.

The last couple days I have had a hard time getting out of the house – well to be honest the last 16 months I've had a hard time getting out of the house but the last couple days have been rough. I called my mom, I didn't know what I called her for. But I called her and ended up asking if she would run to the store for us. It's hard to ask for help. But she graciously said of course and came over with some things to tide us over. I put the groceries away while she played with Ocean and then my husband Scott urged me to do a little yoga while Ocean was distracted. I did. It was good. It had been a while since I did a full session. When mom left I was lying on my back on the mat, she leaned down to give me a hug and all I could do was say I'm so sad and start crying. She was comforting and wonderful as usual. She told Scott on the way out that we are doing a good job and going to make it through.

Later that night I sent this text to her: 

Thank you mom. I know in my heart we will be ok but some days are just really sad and hard and that was today and yesterday. And probably tomorrow. 

She wrote back the most beautiful thing: 

You are one of the three loves of my life. You are like a piece of me. When you hurt I hurt. Your grief and sadness is understandable. We can be strong and still be very sad and angry. You and Scott and Ocean will make it down this path intact. May you be even more then intact but strong, wise beyond your years and compassionate to others whose path goes along a difficult way. You are loved beyond words. 

Like I said it's time to bring in the family. I don't have to do this on my own. I don't want to.