Ocean's Diaversary

Well I made it through the  day. One year ago at this time Ocean was still in pediatric ICU fighting for his life. 

For about six months before his diagnosis there had been some changes to Ocean's habits. He stopped repeating or mimicking things that we said or did - I thought he was just being independent. He started staying up till 3 AM every night. For the life of me I could not get him to go to bed earlier - I thought it was because we had been staying at my parents house for a couple weeks while our roof was repaired. In reality what was happening was his pancreas was slowly starting to decline. He would eat a big meal in the evening and his blood sugar would spike up so high that he could not sleep. Of course I didn't know that. To an outsider it seems like type one diabetes happens overnight. But it doesn't. If we had known the signs to look for we could have caught it earlier and saved him from that first horrible day. Day 1. But we didn't. Guess who has guilt about that? Maybe I can work on letting my guilt go by spreading awareness about the signs of diabetes so other mamas can catch it earlier. Slowly his speech declined more and more and his interest in being active. He just wanted to sit in my lap and nurse and watch movies. 

Then he got croup. They say croup was the trigger that finally sent him over the edge. With type one diabetes even though the pancreas does slowly start to decline, at the end there is usually a trigger that completes the autoimmune response. The response where the beta cells that create insulin are being killed by his body. When Ocean got croup I thought it was the worst thing. He had literally never been sick (avid breastfeeder here.) I was so worried and I thought I couldn't be more scared. I was wrong. We got the steroid for the croup, he got better for about two days and then the child I knew was gone. He cried and cried and cried. If he wasn't crying he was sleeping. If any of you know Ocean personally you know that he is innately happy. Easy to please, quick to laugh. I remember his breathing. Scott kept saying something isn't right with his breathing. It was so labored. I thought he must have a sinus infection because it seemed like he was breathing through his mouth. I made myself wait until Monday to see his regular doctor instead of going to ER. Man, I should've taken him in then. Scott wanted to, but I kept insisting that he has no fever so it can't be anything that bad. I knew something was wrong but I didn't want to believe it. I wish I had listened to Scott, and trusted his instincts

 Oceans eyes kept rolling back in his head and then as I said he would cry in a way that I had never seen before and haven't since. It breaks my heart thinking that I just let him continue to be in so much pain. I wish (lots of I wishes) when I had taken him in for croup they would have noticed something else was going on too. But he was so upset that I think the doc was just trying to get him in and out for my sake.

I remember wrapping him up in our favorite sling and walking up and down our property thinking that it was the croup coming back and that he needed the fresh air. Ocean had never been sick before so I didn't really know how he would react when he was sick. I didn't want to take him to ER and have them be like it's just a stupid cold. I should've (lots of I should'ves) listened to my heart - I knew something was wrong. By Monday morning there was no doubt about it. Primer, our sweet pitbull was frantic. He would not leave Ocean's side. He had always enjoyed Ocean, but was pretty attached to scott and always slept by his legs. He was practically laying on Ocean, looking at me like 'Mom something is wrong.' Ocean would not stop crying, even for a moment. I called his doctor and said I'm bringing him in right now whether you have room for him or not. Make room for him. Mama Bear. When our sweet doc saw him, she said I can't see any physical reason why he is acting like this or why his breathing is so labored. And he had lost 7 pounds in a week and a half. I could tell she was freaked out but I don't think she wanted to scare me. She sent us to get some blood work done at the hospital (because you get same day results) and then said we will check back in with you this afternoon. Remember Ocean hasn't stopped crying this whole time. Nothing I do comforts him. I get to ER (scott met me there) they take his blood and instead of going home to wait for the results I checked him in to the emergency room. Thank God I did because as you will learn every moment counted that fateful Monday one year ago.

So we're at this little shit hole of an ER in a tiny hospital in Stayton. Ocean finally calmed down a little bit. An EMT instead of a nurse (what the f?) came in to ask about Ocean. Like I said, little hospital where obviously everyone had multiple jobs. He asked the regular questions. I couldn't tell him much except that something wasn't right, he had thrush and a massive yeast infection that had come up basically overnight. And his breathing was weird. We waited. We waited some more. And then the doctor came in. At about 1 PM we heard the words diabetes. I didn't believe him - he also delivered the news in such a offhand kind of way, not the best side manners for this fella. He literally told us he has diabetes and then just left the room. Nothing else. Scott and I just looked at each other. What was there to say? This actually be happening? The doc ran a second test on his blood, I guess to confirm the diabetes and then told us we would need to be moved up to hospital at 0HSU in Portland.

Then they started the torture of trying to get an IV line going. They spent three hours trying to force a fucking needle in his vein to give him fluids and obviously insulin. I remember they kept being like oh let's bring in this guy he's great at bloodwork. And when he couldn't get it, it was oh bring in "Mildred" she's fantastic at IV's. Nope. Even the doctor tried (probably thinking he was better than everybody else and could do it, at least that's the vibe you give off) and get a intravenous line going because he was beyond dehydrated, his veins were flat.

Ocean was hysterical and so was I. We knew when online got put in we were being sent to straight up to Portland so Scott told me to go home and get supplies and things we would need for the hospital stay. It didn't make a lot of sense for me to leave but I realize now that he was trying to spare me from watching them torture our son. I think he had been told that they were going to do an I/O and didn't want me to see it. So I drive as fast as I can back to our house. Frantic. Scared. In shock. I called my father to have him pick up our extra car at the hospital and then meet us in Portland. And then I called my mother who was in Indiana visiting family. It the only time I cried until about five days later. I said to her "they say he has diabetes, and we have to go to Dorenbeckers at OHSU. I'mscared." I was driving superfast down a windy road and starting to cry, so that's basically all I told her and said I will call you when we get up to Portland. But hearing my mom's voice and telling her about my son made it feel real. Being a nurse herself she knew it was serious and I didn't know it at the time but she immediately booked a flight back home even though she'd only been in Indiana for two days.

When I got back to the little hospital I heard a drill coming from his room. No really, I'm serious. A drill. And my child screaming. I look in the room and the doctor is drilling a hole into his Tibia (bone in lower leg) trying to reach the bone marrow to be able to administer fluids and insulin since he was so dehydrated that his veins were flat and could not be accessed. 

Ocean was arching his back as Scott held him against his chest, nurses are on either side holding him down. Scott tells me to leave the room. Again trying to protect me. I don't know what to do. I lean against the wall right outside of the room and slide down to the floor feeling faint. I can hear my sons cries and I can't protect him. I hear him throw up from the pain. My sweet sensitive husband being deeply traumatized by watching his sweet little boy be tortured. It was about three hours total of trying to get a intravenous drip going and then a intraosseous infusion - or IO (the line in the shin.)

They finally seemed to be somewhat successful and then the rush began. I laid down on the stretcher and I finally got to hold my child again. He immediately calmed and basically passed out. His eyes were half open as he slept and to be honest he looked dead. I hate even typing those words. He was not only incredibly sick but had just been through three horrible hours. Scott said he passed out repeatedly from the pain. I looked into my husbands eyes and saw my fear reflected there. I also saw something I had never seen before in his eyes - a haunted look that I can't even explain. I still feel guilty that I was not the one holding my son as he went through those things at the hospital. And I still see that look in his eyes at times. My husband will have those memories forever. Those memories that he tried to protect me from.

Ocean and I got loaded into the ambulance and Scott drove our car up behind us. At first the EMT's seemed not too worried about Ocean and said they were not going to put the sirens on. We're just going to head on up to Portland. But as he began driving I could tell they started to get worried. It seems like every 10 minutes or so The EMT would try to make sure that he could wake Ocean up. He would be like 'hey buddy how you doing there?' And shake him a little bit, Ocean would react enough that we knew he was aware. And I realize now that he thought Ocean was going into a coma. And believe me he definitely looked like it. At some point they ended up turning on the sirens and getting us the hell up to the special children's hospital. Once we got there we were rushed to Pediatric Icu with specialized doctors who definitely knew how much danger Ocean actually was in. We should've been life flighted up there immediately. Instead of this teeny little hospital taking all that time working on him as he was literally dying. Edit: I have since learned from a paramedic friend that legally (especially with a child) they have to get a line in before the patient leaves the hospital. That makes me a little less mad.

The staff in PICU got Ocean settled in his own room and by that time he had woken out of his basically unconscious state and was visibily very uncomfortable. Scott was there by that time and noticed that the leg that had the I/O in it was gigantic.  The I/O had failed and infiltrated. Meaning the fluids and medicine were no longer going into the bone marrow to help him they were just filling up underneath the skin. When the nurse realized he wasn't getting the medicine he needed things got crazy again. They pulled that I/O out (worst sound every-they literally just braces his leg and yanked it out) and tried more intravenous options. Later I counted at least 40 bruises where they had tried to put in a line – bruises on his hands and feet, bruises in his arm, even bruises on either side of his neck. It wasn't working. So they had to try the I/O again. They had to drill into his leg again. I laid my head next to his head as he screamed and arched his back. As he passed out again from pain. As they tried again and again to get some sort of line into him so that he could get the medicine he needed.  He wasn't allowed any liquids just in case they needed to put him under (which they did) and as he screamed I saw blisters and scales and blood on his tongue and inside his mouth. All I could do was whispering to him that mama was there. "I'm right here."

They had brought in the head doctor, Dr Ipsen I believe, to help our nurse. I could see that they were scared. I heard the nurse call for social services and clergy. They knew he was in trouble. After endless pokes and the third failed I/O the doctor took us aside and said we have a couple options. I don't remember what the options were I just remember her saying I don't know what the best option is, but we have to do something. Scott decided which one we should do, which was to put a central femoral line in. Ocean would have to be put under anesthesia, which the doctors were worried about because of the brain swelling and damage that could have already been occurring. I think they were afraid if he went under he might not wake up. But we had no other choice.

It had to be a sterile environment and we had to leave. They made Scott sign some horrible piece of paper about what would happen if he died during the procedure. They brought in a breathing tube, they brought in and anesthesiologist and a million other things and made me leave my little boy there all alone. I just had to walk out - every instinct in me was screaming NO!

They said it should only take a half hour and sent us out to the waiting room. I remember walking out into the hall and feeling as if I would collapse from fear. I couldn't hold my body up. I tilted my head back and let out an anguished moan. My father had gotten there by that time and said that my mother was flying back from Indy the next morning. We sat in that waiting room. That horrible, cold, dark, soul draining waiting room. After about a half hour someone from social services showed up trying to give support. I just wanted her to leave us the hell alone. She asked if we wanted clergy, I said I already have one here, my dad (used to be a pastor.) Time slowed as we waited. And waited. After 45 minutes I wanted to go check, I thought something must be wrong. I knew it wasn't going well if it was taking longer than they said. The woman from social services said she would go check in on him, but then she didn't come back. After what seemed like forever and after imagining my son dying without me there next to him, the woman from social services and the head doctor came walking out of PICU. It was after midnight and had been at least an hour and a half. I remember feeling as if I wanted to stop time, I didn't want to hear what she was going to say, just in case it was bad.

This doctor, who had been so serious and no nonsense before came out to the hallway and as we walked towards her she punched her fist into the air and said "we did it!" She had a huge smile on her face and gave me a hug, saying 'man he made me work for it but we got it in there and it's going to be OK.' And it was. Over the next eight days there were many more dramatic moment, there were many more life changing events. But now that he could actually get the medicine he needed, he had a chance. A good chance of surviving. 

They had moved him into a crib so he wouldn't roll out of bed and although it was against the rules I crawled in next to my son and held him, and nursed him. And slept in that crib the next four days. The nurses seem to know that no matter what they said I wasn't getting out. So they let me curl up with my baby. I whispered 'I'm sorry' over and over into his ears. 

I will forever be greatful to our sweet little nurse. I think her name was Lauren or Laura. Each time I would start to panic she would look me in the eye and say we are going to be OK. I have a vivid image of her on the other side of his bed, across from me. Working diligently on Ocean. You would think that I would feel angry at her (like I do at the people at Santiam hospital) for the pain that she had to put him through but it was so obvious that she was as gentle as possible and if something didn't work, she stopped and tried something else. In fact, before they brought in Dr. Ipsen we had a interning doctor that was helping Laura/Lauren. He kept trying to push fluid through the I/O. Which is how you know it's working. Each time he would push the fluid through Ocean would arch his back and scream - which meant it wasn't working. He keep trying over and over. I could see that she was irritated with him and she finally told him to stop it. He said, we have to find something that works and she said, I know but that's obviously not working and you're just hurting him, so stop. We will do something else.

She was fierce. She was gentle. She was an angel. She and Dr. Ipsen saved his life that first day. That first horrible day. The longest day of my life. The day we heard the words diabetes. 


Letters to Ocean

Ocean my son! Though you cannot speak, you are feeling closer to me – often taking me by the hand to lead me to a new and wonders discovery you have made, or to share a TV show, or pay a visit to the fridge. Today I sang a song to you, song my mother used to sing – "the little blue man" – and you laughed and laughed wanting to be tickled more and more, as I sang through the "I love you, I love you" parts! I think you would have enjoyed her – perhaps you remember her somewhere from the field beyond, before you came to us? Your diabetes is beyond managing, and you have lost your appetite for most things except chocolate, chips and pizza. Still you bless us with your smiles, adventurous spirit and endless curiosity. These are just a few of your mannerisms that bring us joy and make it so easy to love you! Never let someone – even if it is your parents, earthly or otherwise – take your self from you! If ever you find yourself there, step back into the light that is you and plot new course. We are the light.

I love you my dear son, Dad. 1.17.17


May 2015

May 2015

November 2016

November 2016

A dream that can last

Amazing how many songs I have always loved now seem to be speaking to me about our diabetes world.  

Named one of his paintings after this song. 

I feel like I died and went to heaven, the cupboards are bare but the streets are paved with gold.

I saw a young girl who didn't die, I saw a glimmer from in her eye. I saw the distance, I saw the past. I know I want to wake up in some dream that can last.  

I feel like I died and went to heaven, and bring the cupboards are bare but the streets are paved with gold and all the lights were turned down low, And no one wondered or had to go. Out on the corner the Angels sang, there is a better life for me someday.

I feel like I died and went to heaven. The cupboards are bare but the streets are paved with gold in. 

Sun Salutations

One year anniversary of Ocean's diagnosis.

Sun Salutations for anxiety relief. Scott playing piano in the other room. His anxiety relief.

Edit: this is my other de-stressor. Lots and lots of books. Books for days. Books for years. Books to get away. Books to relate to. Books that make your house a home.

91 of the 101 books I read in 2016

91 of the 101 books I read in 2016

This. Life couldn't get any better than a baby and a book in your lap. 

This. Life couldn't get any better than a baby and a book in your lap. 

JDRF Timeline

Golden Flaw


Accepting the shadow side within us adds to our beauty.

I think of my anxiety as part of my shadow side. Of course the anxiety is fueled by many things but I hate it. I tend to see it as seperate from me even though I logically tell myself that I accept both my light and dark side. It is obvious that I do not. If in accept my anxiety as part of my shadow side, as part of my story, will the gold shine through? 

Anxiety anxiety go away

My anxiety tends to ruin most days. The way it is seen by others is as anger. So in turn I hurt the ones around me. Everyone in our house has anxiety - my husband, my son, my dog - but I seem to be the one to turn the house upside down with my anxiety. To stomp around, to grit my teeth, to snap a command, to roll my eyes. The anger comes out instead of my anxiety exploding. What would happen if the anxiety exploded? I've pushed it down for so many years that I don't even know how to let it out. Yoga helps but can you do to yoga 24 hours a day?

I hate me when I'm that anxious. Diabetes hasn't killed my kid yet, but it's killing me and its killing the family I used to have. 

Can I trade my anxiety for faith? Can I have faith that Ocean will live instead of anxiety that he will die? Can I have faith that we will be taken care of instead of anxiety that I must do it all without mistakes.  

 "Little faith will bring your souls to heaven but great faith will bring heaven to your souls." -CH Spurgen

Yes. Yes. Yes. I will strive to trade my anxiety for faith.  


23 packets of sugar

What happens when you give Humalog instead of Lantus? 23 packets of sugar given two at a time every 15 minutes.

For those of you new to the type one diabetic world, Humalog is a fast acting insulin that I inject in Ocean with a meal so that he can absorb the carbs. It's full cycle runs about five hours. Lantus is a basal insulin, it is given once a day and lasts for 24 hours. In simple terms it helps stabilize his blood sugar's.  

Two nights ago Ocean and I fell asleep pretty early, at 8 PM Scott came in to wake me to tell me it was time for Lantus. I was pretty much still asleep when I gave him the insulin. And went back asleep, until for some reason I woke up at 9 PM. I looked over at the bag that contains all of our diabetic supplies and realized that the Humalog was laying out. Then it hit me, oh shit I think I gave him Humalog instead of Lantus. Thank all the gods that they woke me up and had me see that the Humalog was out, otherwise Ocean would have gone into a coma in his sleep, or had a seizure. Giving him that much Humolog with no food makes him drop fast so we immediately started giving him two packets of sugar every 15 minutes. He stayed in the hundreds the whole time, which is good and safe but it was scary. I knew how to handle the situation from reading tons of blogs over the last 10 months. I'm hoping someday all my blogs can give some insight to other T1D moms. Everything turned out OK, however you can imagine I pretty much stayed up the rest of the night and stared at him. So many challenges, so much to learn, so many variables in this T1D world.

My sweet husband sat up with me all night as we watched him, watched the clock, gave him sugar and poked him about 1 million times. Oceans poor fingers must have been sore in the morning. I wonder what he was thinking. I wonder what he will remember. Am I the bad guy? Am I the good guy?