I hate being away from my son. I feel like there is this rope attached between our hearts and the further away I get from him the tighter it pulls. When he is not curled up in my lap I feel like there is a crater in my chest. It aches. It weeps. I feel like part of me is missing. I felt this way the moment he was laid against my chest after he was born. Actually I don't remember that specific moment as three days of labor and a C-section had fried my brain. But I know he latched on immediately and I couldn't bear to be apart from him from that moment on.
Now that we add diabetes to the mix that crater in my chest is filled with fear...anxiety...guilt. What if he needs me while I'm gone? What if his blood sugars go crazy? What if he just wants a kiss? What if he has a seizure? What if someone had to give him a glucagon shot? What if I miss him? What do I do when he's not there for me to take care of? What do I do with this crater sized hole in my chest? I need him as much as he needs me? Ahh. Yes. I'm starting to see. How do I protect him and control his environment if I'm not there? How do I protect him and control his environment even when I am there? What do I do with myself, with my heart, with my soul without him there for me to protect?
I keep thinking, "He needs me! He needs me!" But what have I just discovered? "I need him. I need him."